When Marc was a little kid, his mother started the Advent tradition. She would buy small gifts for Marc and Danielle every day from December 1st to 24th. Usually it was packs of gum, shoelaces and travel toothpastes. We decided to carry on this tradition because it gave us the opportunity to give to each other and remember the spirit of giving throughout December. More than the things, it is an exercise in our marriage at giving and receiving.

Today was more sewing buttons (different colours this time) and a travel egg carrier for the boat.

Someone recently highlighted an article of marriage that I read. It was about a couple who had a fairly functional marriage and they set about different ways to improve it. They went to psychoanalysists, therapy sessions, a two day communication session. It was a good article. The beginning of the article made me consider what marriage is and how does a good marriage look. She says that we try at raising our children, improving our careers, practise at our various hobbies or skills. But we often do not put a lot of effort into our marriages, just letting them cruise on an autopilot of sorts.

Marc and I have been together for five years, been married for nearly four, and I remember thinking, when we tied the knot, that this was just the beginning. We’ve both had marriage modelled by our parents, who have been married 30 years and 28 years respectively. It has been very helpful and it’s interesting to see what things have carried on to our marriage from our observations of our parents’ marriage.

Marc’s dad planned this surprise trip for his mom once. For their 25th wedding anniversary, he secretly booked a trip to Tahiti and planned all the details, as well as booking time off from her work without her knowing. This was a masterful plan which took months in the making. Though Marc hasn’t whisked me to Tahiti yet, he has pulled off some very amazing secretive stunts like this based on his expectation of his role, modelled by his father.

My parents have been very good at making time for each other. They build it into their schedules. My dad would come home from work and they would talk while Mom made dinner. For the most part, we as children knew not to interrupt their time together by our nattering.

From this example, Marc and I have tried to build time into our “regularly scheduled program” by setting aside moments in our day to be together. When we slip at this, one of us reminds the other and we find that we both really miss it when we forget.

Something that the article touches on is monogamy. It is a given in our society that a healthy marriage equals monogamy. The article said that the couple had been sexually faithful but the husband felt that his wife had betrayed him with her mother. Stay with me on this. He felt that when there was a decision regarding the children, his wife went to her mother and they made the decision without his input. I found this very interesting. I examined my own marriage and found that if there was anywhere where I could be accused of not being monogamous, it was when I put my own needs above the needs of our marriage, or the needs of Marc. Often by my own selfishness, I was damaging our marriage. After apologizing to Marc for this, I hope I can slowly improve in this aspect.

For a marriage to grow, it seems to require a lot of vulnerability and a lot of apologizing. In theory, I think this will be very good for me. In practise, it sounds a bit uncomfortable.

Perhaps marriage is a bit like beekeeping. Sometimes it stings, but the results are sweet.